The Cafe Stop
A Survival Guide For Beginners
When you get to the cafe take your time finding a suitable location for your bike, as this will delay the moment when you have to enter the cafe and another member of the club should already be purchasing the tea and toast. In addition, this also ensures that your bike is less likely to be interfered with, and also provides the opportunity to indulge in a little impromptu maintenance on your club mates bikes. It is surprising to note that while many cyclists regularly test their valves to ensure that they hold air they often neglect the fact that a valve is a two-way device. The look of gratitude on your club mates faces after they realise that you have tested this for them is priceless.
You need to time your entrance into the cafe to coincide with the arrival of the food. This is the time to be decisive and you need to move quickly to secure both food and drink. Remember, there are two types of cyclists, "The quick and the hungry". If stopping for a more substantial meal, find out what your club mates have already ordered and then order the same. In the confusion as their food is delivered to the table, an experienced club cyclist will be able to acquire the meal intend for another and thus jump the queue.
Whilst securing your food, do not relax and allow your belongings to become separated from you, as this will present your club mates with the ideal opportunity to secret helpful items within your pockets, such as butter or used teabags.
Only leave the table after you have completely finished. Do not be tempted to get up for a spoon, knife, go to the toilet etc as this gives your club mates the ideal opportunity to relieve you of some of your hard earned booty. Experienced club cyclists can however attempt a double bluff by deliberately sabotaging their own food (soap in water bottles etc) and hopefully catch out one of their light fingered friends.
Beware of team mates who leave the table early, as they are probably up to no good and may be attempting the above double-bluff, or are intent on a little constructive maintenance, cable tie-ing you club mates wheels together is especially popular, as is relocating their bikes to some place with suitable comic potential such as a skip, the toilets etc.
COMING SOON: Cafes we like.
A detailed review of our favourite cafes in S.Wales**
** Cafe Proprietors please note that we are open to bribery. Free cake etc. will secure a favourable review.